Dear Hurting Loved One

Photo by Dmitry Schemelev on Unsplash

Dear Hurting Loved One,

You’re not as easily forgettable as my silence is making you feel. I’m never going to forget the lines in your face or the color of your eyes. I will always be searching for that same laugh. Though I act like it, I am not over you and never will be. I’m going to have nights when all the regret and pain of what I have done to us comes rushing back because I miss you… with all my heart.

Although I know I am hurting you, I will never show it. My offense toward you is not real. The pain and anger I feel when we are together is because of something much deeper; something lurking within me that, up until now, has been lying in wait. I’m exhausted from trying to act stronger than I really am. I’m disappointed in myself because I know I am better than the choices I have made. To live this lifestyle will hurt you, but I will act like you were the one who hurt me. Deep down I know it is all a lie, but deception tells me I am the victim. Though I know the reasons for my actions are wrong, the pain I feel inside is very real. It is a pain you did not cause, but one that I will make you pay the price for. Now, I will be the source of your pain too.

You are hurting because I hurt you.

I am hurting because someone hurt me.

They stripped me of my identity, stole my innocence, and left me as a shell of who I am supposed to be. I want to tell them that. I want to scream at them; to spit in their face. I want to stand face to face and tell them what they did. But I can’t. Because it is someone I love. I’m afraid they won’t love me anymore if I retaliate, even though they never really loved me in the first place.

All they want is all that I am not, and there is nothing I can do to win their affection. So I will put their mask on your face. I will see them when you look at me. I will feel their grip when you hold me. And I will neither trust nor give my true self to you because of it. Until I am made whole, it will be a never-ending cycle of want and hurt, need and disappointment.

Please, please don’t try to be them to fill this void I have. I know I have made you the punching bag for this pain, but don’t try to pick up the pieces of what they left behind. I need you to be you, because if I lose you, then I have lost you both. I know you’ve never left me. I know you never will. I will hate your love because it’s not enough to heal me. I will fight your love because thinking you could be the one to heal me was where this all began. I put you in the place of the only true Healer.

I guess that is where my frustration lies, in your inability to do what you were never meant to do in the first place. I know I am wrong for hurting you, and hurting you hurts me even further. My actions only add to the pain that has already taken root in my heart. And you – the one who really loves me – are suffering daily, seeing the agony I continue to inflict upon myself.

I will make you a stranger. I will ignore you and try to pretend you do not exist. But deep down, we both know it is not supposed to end like this.

Losing me would hurt.

Fighting for me would hurt too.

So, since there is pain either way, please fight.

Nothing will come from the pain if you lose, but life may come from the pain if you win.

Love,
Your Prodigal

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